Self-Regulation vs Self-Control in ABA: Not Defiance

Written by Tara Karen, M.S. Ed, BCBA, LBA

“He knows better.” “She just doesn’t want to listen.” “He can control himself when he wants to, he does it at grandma’s house.”

These are phrases caregivers often say when a young child is struggling with behavior. The frustration behind these phrases is completely understandable, however they reflect a common and consequential misunderstanding: confusing self-regulation with self-control, two related, but completely different concepts.

Defining Self-Control in ABA Therapy

Self-control is the ability to identify and then deliberately override an impulse, suppress a response, or choose a different behavior than the one you’re inclined toward. It requires conscious awareness, intention, and effort. It’s the skill that lets an adult decide not to eat the last piece of cake, bite back a sharp response in an argument, or keep working when they’d rather stop.

Self-control is real, it is important to learn, and it does develop across childhood. However, self-control requires a functioning prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for planning, impulse inhibition, and deliberate decision-making. The prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until a person’s mid-twenties.

The Role of the Prefrontal Cortex

A lack of self-control in children is not a behavior problem. It is a biology problem. The part of the brain responsible for impulse control is literally still under construction, and no amount of consequence, repetition, or frustration on our part will speed up that development.

In toddlers and preschoolers, the prefrontal cortex is in the very earliest stages of development. Asking a two-year-old to use self-control is like handing someone a set of car keys when the car has not been built yet. There is nothing to drive.

What is Self-Regulation in ABA?

Self-regulation is a broader and more foundational concept. It refers to the ability to manage one’s own internal states, such as alertness, emotion, attention, and sensory experience,  so that functioning and learning are possible. It’s not primarily a conscious, deliberate act. Much of it happens below the level of awareness, driven by the nervous system.

Self-regulation is less about choosing not to do something and more about being in a state where you can engage with the world adaptively. A well-regulated child is available for learning, for connection, for play. A dysregulated child, one whose nervous system is overwhelmed, overstimulated, under-stimulated, exhausted, or stressed, is not in a state where behavioral choices are really available. The system is in survival mode.

This is why self-regulation skills in toddlers look so different from what adults think of as “good behavior.” For a toddler, self-regulation is:

• Being able to tolerate a transition without complete collapse
• Recovering from a disappointment without staying upset indefinitely
• Staying engaged with an activity for a few minutes
• Accepting comfort from a caregiver when distressed

None of these involve the child choosing to suppress a response, rather they involve the child’s nervous system moving between states, with significant help from the adults around them.

Co-Regulation: Supporting Self Regulation ABA

Here’s what the research tells us clearly: young children cannot regulate themselves without help from regulated adults. Self-regulation in early childhood is not an independent achievement- it is a co-regulatory one.

When a caregiver stays calm in the face of a child’s meltdown, the child’s nervous system has the opportunity to sync with that calm. This is called co-regulation, and it is the biological mechanism through which young children develop the capacity for self-regulation over time. It’s not coddling. It’s neurophysiology.

This means that when a child is dysregulated, the most effective response is usually not correction, demand, or consequences. It’s the adult’s calm, regulated presence. Not ignoring the behavior. Not giving in to demands. Simply not matching the child’s level of escalation, because escalating alongside a dysregulated child makes things worse, not better.

Co-regulation looks like: – Getting down to the child’s level and speaking calmly – Acknowledging the feeling without judgment (“You’re really upset. That was hard.”) – Staying physically close if the child is receptive – Waiting out the storm without adding fuel to the fire – Returning to expectations after the window passes

Over time, repeated experiences of being co-regulated by a calm adult are what literally build the child’s own regulatory capacity. We regulate with them before they can regulate themselves.

Why “He Does It at Grandma’s” Doesn’t Mean What You Think

The observation that a child manages better in some environments than others is valid, but not as evidence of intentional manipulation. More often, it’s evidence that environment and context matter enormously for self-regulation.

At grandma’s house, there may be fewer demands, more novelty, lower stakes, a different sensory environment, or less accumulated stress from the week. The child isn’t choosing to behave differently. Their nervous system is in a different state.

Conversely, a child who falls apart at home after holding it together all day at school is not being strategic. They are releasing accumulated stress in the safest environment they have. That’s not bad behavior. It’s trust.

Building Self-Regulation Skills Over Time

Self-regulation skills in young children develop gradually across early childhood, shaped by:

• Consistent co-regulation from caregivers
• Predictable routines that reduce the cognitive and emotional load of daily life
• Opportunities for physical activity, especially proprioceptive and vestibular movement
• Adequate sleep, which is one of the strongest drivers of regulatory capacity
• Reduced environmental demands when the nervous system is already stretched
• Explicit teaching of simple coping strategies as the child’s language develops (deep breaths, squeezing something, asking for a break)

Children with developmental differences, sensory processing challenges, anxiety, or trauma histories may need more support, more time, and more intentional scaffolding to develop regulatory skills — and that’s where early intervention and occupational therapy can make a significant difference.

What This Means for How We Respond

Understanding the difference between self-regulation and self-control doesn’t mean abandoning expectations. Children do need to learn limits and they need adults who hold those limits with warmth. But it does mean that our first response to a struggling child shifts from “choose better” to “what does this child need right now?”

When we can help a child learn to self-regulate, we can teach skills such as self-control in a calm and cooperative environment, building foundations for our children to gain skills as they grow into adults.